"Beware the golden shower that is my wrath!"

A dozen bigsoccer posters once got on my case when I wrote a negative comment regarding "The Score" radio personality Fred Huebner's occasional columns.

They said that I should be happy that there's a person in sports radio who cares about soccer and the Fire. They said that I should appreciate what he does for the sport. They even said, "Beggars can't be choosers."

With the rampant soccer bashing that usually spews from columnists who cover other sports, I am happy to see his column. Though it is consistently poorly-written, trite, and strewn with grammatical and factual errors, he tries to be a positive entity in the soccer world.

This is why I have attempted to abate my criticism.

It's lasted a while, but with the drivel in the 5/28/02 "Hueb's Views," I can't hold back.

Fred, I am very happy that you have decided to devote your web page to talking about soccer. I just really wish that you knew what you were talking about. I wish you weren't utterly ignorant about the sport and its fans, both in and out of the country.

You say, "In Europe, the fan clubs are notorious for their creative cheers and chants." We'll skip whether or not you truly mean "notorious" and move on to the meat of the argument. Incidentally, this rant will say nothing about whether or not I agree with you.

So let's look at this. First, you say, "In Europe..." We'll start with Geography. Among many other countries, Europe includes England, Germany, Sweden, France, Italy, Spain, and Holland.

Since your grasp of even your own language isn't very good, I will assume that you do not speak German, Swedish, French, Italian, Spanish, or Dutch. If the soccer fans who speak these languages are being creative and clever, you don't know it. Therefore, it stands to reason that, when you say "Europe" you probably mean "England." Hmmm. There are often Scottish matches on Fox Sports World, so I'll even give you Scotland. They usually speak English.

You go on to mention two specific clubs. Oh surprise! Manchester United and Arsenal. You are aware that there are other sides in England, right? Anyway, this corroborates the argument that you are referring to English fans.

So I decided to do some research on soccer chants and songs for these clubs. You said the Barn Burners cross "the line." Incidentally, I'm certainly glad that they have the Ultras and the unaffiliated Section 8 denizens to keep them civil! Let's see what kind of line is drawn by your creative fans.

I went no further than the "Soccer Chants and Songs Homepage" On this site, chants and songs from around the world are listed. Interestingly enough, the following warning is issued for those who would venture into the site:

"Beware: Many of the songs contain bad language. They may be sexist, violent, racist, overtly nationalistic, homophobic or just insulting. If you are likely to be offended by such material then please do not proceed any further."

I'll issue the same warning to you, dear readers, as I plan to really prove my point. Also, grammatical and spelling errors were left alone.

Let's start with some nice Manchester United creativity!

We've won the fuckin'n lot,
We've won the fuckin'n lot,
And now your going to believe us,
And now your going to believe us,
We've won the fuckin'n lot.

Drink, drink, wherever you may be,
We are the drunk and disorderly,
And we don't give a shit and we don't give a fuck,
We're going home with the Cup Winners cup.

If you follow Leeds United,
Then you must be fucking scum - SCUM !

Dwight Yorke Wherever you may be,
You are the king of pornographie,
And you stuck 2 fingers up the john gregory,
Coz you are the king of pornographie.

I don't know about the rest of you... but I'm getting goosebumps from all the nice feelings and creativity. Good clean fun, I tell ya!

Oh, Grobbelaar's a wanker,
He wear's a wanker's hat,
And when he wears it back to front,
He looks a fucking twat.

Fuck McManerman, fuck McAteer,
Fuck McManerman, fuck McAteer,
Fuck McManerman, fuck McAteer,
They're fucking queer!

So there we have a nice selection from Manchester United. How about that other side you know about?

Who's that team they call the Arsenal?
Who's that team we all adore?
They're the boys in red and white,
And where fucking dynomite,
'cos Georgy Grahams mother is a whooore,
yeah she's a whore, yeah shes a whooore

"Your mother is!" That was creative when I was 11. How about you?

When I was a little boy
When I was a little boy
My mother bought me a little toy
tottenham fan on a string
Told me to kick his fuckin' head in,
Kick his head in, kick his head in,
She told me to kick his fuckin' head in

You're shit, and your ground's a dump,
You're shit, and your ground's a dump,
You're shit, and your ground's a dump,
You're shit, and you got no silverwear.

So then... what the Barn Burners chant is completely uncalled for, but the notorious creativity of the Manchester United and Arsenal fans is something for which we should all strive?

Yeah, ok.

"Heckling a team or a player is a fans right, but all the use of profanity shows is immaturity and a lack of imagination."

Looks like your precious Europeans are getting younger by the minute. Now where exactly is this line to which you were referring? I'd like to hop on over it again, but it doesn't seem to exist.

You've become notorious (note the usage) for writing about matches as if you had not been paying attention at all. Perhaps you need to watch our away games a little more closely... or any game available on a "Soccer Saturday" or the "Shootout Package." If you can hear them, listen to the other supporters groups. See what they shout during goal kicks.

If you are saying that Section 8 needs to tone it down for the families of Naperville, then you are confirming the fears from which many of the hardcore Fire fans suffer. They want to do it their way. They want to be loud. They want to be feared. They want to be "hailed as the BEST fans around the MLS."

But it's not for you, a hypersensitive radio personality who would actually allow "one group of fans" to ruin an entire match's atmosphere for you, to issue challenges of any kind.

I issue a challenge to you. If you don't like it, you come down from your press box, stand up next to Mirek, and come up with a solution. Otherwise, just pout or even cringe when you hear something you don't like, but don't try to make us emulate something about which you know nothing. We'll take their passion and, more importantly, their volume, but that's where the Euro-envy ends for many of us.