June 20, 2002 MARSCH SURGERY SHOCK
In a show of team solidarity, Chicago Fire midfielder, Jesse Marsch, has announced that he will join the ranks of Fire players who have undergone surgery this season.

"I'm the only one who has played in all of our games," lamented Marsch. "I want to 'take one for the team.'"

When asked how this will help, with the Fire's roster drastically depleted by injury, Marsch responded, "It just feels right."

Marsch will receive silicone breast implants on Monday, June 24 at The Beauty Clinic in Oak Brook, IL.

June 21, 2002 FIRE MANAGEMENT BUILDS GALLOWS
October8th.com has learned of the true purpose behind the giant, wooden contraption which arrived for the Chicago Fire's match against the Dallas Burn.

Some fans felt it was a camera stand for alternative angles during television broadcasts. Tomek, a member of the Fire Ultras, used it as a pedestal for the purpose of leading cheers. Both of these theories have been debunked, however, as unnamed sources from the Fire front office have hinted that it is part of its new hardline approach to crowd profanity management.

Individuals and/or groups who are caught using foul language during Fire games will be publicly executed by hanging. ASI security has taken out a classified advertisement in the Naperville Sun in search of a professional executioner. They have stated, however, that one of their ushers was once a Boy Scout and can tie a passable noose.