May 24, 2002 MASSIVE TRADE SHOCKS LEAGUE
In one of the biggest trades in league history, The New England Revolution has released head coach, Fernando Clavijo. The move was made in order to clear space for beer vendor Horace Stout. Revolution management has stated that Stout will have immediate impact, as he will be ready to go for the Revolution's match against The Los Angeles Galaxy on Saturday.

Said General Manager Todd Smith, "We truly just wanted what was best for this team. We needed to decide which person would be more beneficial to Revolution soccer. The choice was very difficult. Well, no, it was pretty easy actually."

Stout has a long history with Boston sports fans. Stout was previously a vendor for the Boston Red Sox.

May 24, 2002 GRAZIANI A CHANGED MAN
The Dallas Burn is not well-liked in Chicago. While this was fact long before Ariel Graziani's arrival in Major League Soccer, he did nothing to improve matters. Graziani will be in town on Sunday with his new team, The San Jose Earthquakes. He wants Fire fans to know that he has changed.

At a recent press conference, Graziani answered several questions from the press. When asked if he planned to dive on Sunday, he responded with a resounding "Yes." When asked if he planned to whine about every call on Sunday, again he responded in the affirmative. When asked if he planned to exaggerate every minor contact with a Fire player, he stated that he would. When asked if he still planned to scream about non-existent handballs and backpasses to the goalkeeper that came from his foot, he said that it was likely. When asked if he planned to strike the testicles of opposing defenders, he replied that he would make it a point to do so.

Confused and frustrated, an October8th.com staffer asked how, if Graziani were still planning to be a diving; whining; cheating; hack, he had changed. Graziani replied that he was referring to his annual hair-oil change and lube.

"They will not call me a dirty hippie any more!" The October8th.com reporter proceeded to hit Graziani in the head with a firehouse brick. Graziani is listed as "questionable" for Sunday's match.