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by Krasny K. MahdoresOctober 8th is back from the dead, and along with it, Krasny is out of the gulag. And if I had to watch another Chernomorets match home to Torpedo-Luzhniki match I might have to take a sharpened stepladder to my throat. Man, you think a Dallas 2003 - Tampa Bay 2001 match would be bad, the crap level on Cherno goes to eleven. In any case, I'm back for the time being.
HASTY CONCLUSION LIKE GUNPOWDER: EASY TO EXPLODESo, who among you, after Benedict Bob skipped town and There's Only One Peter Nowak was traded/forced to retire thought we'd be 2 points out of first with a game in hand at the halfway point this season? Ok, you can put the hand down, since I know you're lying. In fact, this team in many ways better than any Fire team since 2000, at least. The dead weight and most of the locker room cancer has been removed, everyone's on a reasonable playing par (no size 18EEE foreign egos in the clubhouse) and a novice coach with a good reputation. Injuries this season, also are nowhere near as bad as in the past, though it would have been hard to be worse. And hanging in with what we have, with the number of SpacePlay Naperville games reducing by the hour is music to any player's ears. With the playoffs seeing another overhaul, albeit a desperately needed one, just finishing in second will give us a good shot at hosting the Conference Final, and from there it's Escape From LA time. As we hold the tiebreaker so far against them, all Chicago have to do is keep Metro in their sights the rest of the way and we will take Benedict Bob's rojinegros down. The Chan will see to it.And it doesn't hurt we still have (count them) one-two-three-four matches left against the seriously crap Columbus Fire's Bitches. Say, Columbus, we can save you the trouble by just giving us the 3 pts and sending 500 people through Columbus, ransacking your town, pissing in your parking lot, and we'll just continue on to a game that's actually important to us. Thank us? Don't mention it.
THE BOY'S IN BRAZILWell The Rodrigo Experiment appears to be an abject failure. Chicago had to snatch him while they could to keep him out of Benedict Bob's plans - he was a target while he was in Chicago and it was the right move to grab him. In his brief time he never settled in, and family issues forced him out, giving Showme Damani Ralph his big break, and enabling Diphetogo 'I refuse to call him Dipsy' Selowane and Natezilla needed seasoning and PT. Maybe it's for the best, and like several I had high hopes for O Fino Rapido but it wasn't in the cards.
PREPERATION H PRESENTS:TEAMS WE HATE UPDATEDallas Burn: Whoo, doggie. Dallas hasn't smelled this bad since that 90 degree day in July thirty-something years ago when the public works crew was cleaning hot steamy presidential brain matter off the sidewalk. SO bad are they, in fact, that they have traded with the next worse team (one Lost Angeles Galaxy) for freaking Ezra Hendrickson. How bad is one's defense when trading for a St. Vincent and the Grenadines International is considered a POSITIVE step? And, apparently suffering from 'anything you suck at we can suck better' syndrome, they've decided to go one better than Naperville for a home: A high school stadium in north suburban Fort Worth. So powerful are the Burn in this deal the high school refused to let them cover up anything on the field that had the name of the high school on it. The only thing that would make it better would be if Southlake-Carroll High's colors were red and white. Did I mention we blew them out at home and barring a prematch meal disaster and a plumbing problem at an area El Fenix in September we've essentially locked up some hardware?NEXT MATCH: Away, Saturday, September 20th LA Galaxy: Fresh off their evisceration by PSV Eindhoven at the Dashboard Jesus Worshippers Championship in Korea (or whatever) LA comes home with a heavily lopsided home schedule due to the late opening of the South Compton Toolbox. Koreans by the rickshaw-load will surely be pouring in to see their hero Myung-Bo Hong give up loose balls and scare small children with a face cratered more than the Russian side of the Moon. As far as I can tell, no one has tested Ruiz for drugs yet, but I swear to God that man has been toking more than Jamar Beasley at a Vermont Phish concert. LA will make the playoffs, surely, but will go out in the first round as LA scoring hero Chris Albright (that just sounds terrible) suddenly goes missing before their second leg match in Kansas City as he gets a little too close to Sigi's combo platter at Gates BBQ. NEXT MATCH: Home, Wednesday, August 20th Metrostars: Goddamn Bob Bradley. Sometimes I think if you allocated the man 3 boxes of Romanian matchsticks and a gas-soaked rag he'd find a way to win matches. After stealing the players who most anywhere else would already be with Chicago in the draft (Magee, Regan) he takes catsoff John Wolyniec and turns him into a freaking Cardiac Hero. Eddie Pope injured? Mathis with the national team? No problem. He went out and bought the Honduran-made knockoff of Peter Nowak, brought in a couple of young reserves for Boca Juniors and he's freaking top of the table. The worst kind of assholes are the ones who don't do anything wrong. And all of a sudden they're getting a stadium, too? Did Nick the Prick turn over business duties to Benedict Bob as well? Plus, now that they've sold Tim Howard (what was he, like 1-10 against Chicago?) to Manchester Freaking UnitedTM we'd better hope that Jonny Walker is the Red and not the Black. It's going to be some match in Stade du Soldats Morts come the November conference final. Better hope for some serious snow. NEXT MATCH: Home, Saturday, August 9th
FANS WHO CONTINUE TO AMUSE USColumbus: Does it get any better when Columbus fans suck SO much that Fox Sports World feels the need to dub Section Eight over them for a home match? I think that says it all.Kansas City: Never since Dylan went electric has there been such commotion over an audio choice. The difference is: Dylan is a talented songwriter. KC fans are fat and stupid. Even with the mikes, the only times you ever hear KC fans are when they cheer for free pizza.
CURRENT LIST OF PEOPLE DEMA KOVALENKO NEEDS TO MAIM
Roman "The Compulsive Gambler"
Kosecki's
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FAVORITE
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LINE
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UNDERDOG
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Mirek
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10 1/2
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Marcin
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Marcin
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Pick 'em
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Liam
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Bill Quigley
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2
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Mystics Unplugged
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Harrison, NJ
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12 Corpses
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East Rutherford, NJ
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Nick Sackiewicz
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One huge ass and a stadium
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Charlie Stillitano
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Chris Costello
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6 1/2
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Kenn Tomasch
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Topless Veronica Paysse
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100
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Kenn Tomasch
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Josh Wolff Injuring Himself
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Pick 'em
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Sun Coming Up Tomorrow
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New Soldier Field
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No Urine Stains
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Old Soldier Field
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Bridgeview
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$$$
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New Soldier Field
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Hristo ca. 1996
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50
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Hristo ca. 2003
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Stanley Matthews ca. 2003 (RIP)
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Pick 'em
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Hristo ca. 2005
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Playing in Mike Segroves' backyard, between the shed
and the stacked old tires
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A Case of Coors Light
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Dragon Stadium, Southlake, Texas
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Me Needing Medical Insurance
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No Line
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Going 90 in the Nowak Testimonial
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© 2003 October8th.com, all graphics and trademarks are copyrighted by the institutions or individuals who created them. I used almost everything, without permission, for the betterment of the Chicago Fire and Major League Soccer.